Patterns

Some people have one affair in their lifetime. They feel the pain of their actions, wake up and recognize this is not something they will ever do again, and keep their word. Some people are habitual affair-havers. It’s a good idea to figure out which one you are. If you’re in the once-in-a-lifetime category (oncers) you have a lot less work to do than if you are in the habitual category.

To the ‘oncers’, make sure you have a good support team around you so you don’t end up down the affair road again. Get into a recovery program and/or counseling. Don’t get into the dangerous self-righteous thinking that can numb you from the reality of what you are capable of doing. Stay in touch with the part of you that can trample on yourself and all those you love. There’s a careful balance between healthy recognition of what we’ve done and not beating ourselves up for it. Find that balance, and stay there. When you start beating yourself up, forgive yourself again, look at the fact that you stopped the behavior and are on a path toward being healthy and good to yourself and those you love. When you start getting pompous about how you are no longer engaged in an affair, remind yourself that you are on thin ice and could slip at any moment given the right circumstances. Carefully walk back to balance: recognition of what you have done and your committment to not doing that again.

To those of you who have engaged in more than one affair encounter I strongly urge you to work with a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions. You cannot heal from this alone. You will need the guidance of a skilled clinician. If you don’t get this help, you will not change. There is something deep inside of you that needs to be brought into the light, loved in a healthy way, supported in a healthy way and healed. For yourself and those you love, address this issue head on.